A Media Guide

Things I've hated:

1. Avatar

Fine, maybe I watched this at home streaming on my computer, but I did it specifically so that I could say with complete honesty, "those effects were terrible." That's not the point though. That storyline‽ You've been working on this thing for 15 years Cameron, and the best you could come up with was Dances With Wolves in Space? Great, you created a new element camera. You filmed in a volume. You're revolutionizing film. I don't care, I still fell asleep in the middle of your "climactic" battle scene.

Rating: 2 Ws

You're not that cool, Cameron.

2. Shutter Island

Here's the thing about Shutter Island, for the majority of its 137 minutes I was actively hoping Katie would pull a Cutter Island and save me from having to sit there for the rest of the movie. It's the 1st movie in a long time I considered walking out of. At one point somebody kicked the back of my chair, probably because my moans of despair were getting too loud. Original rating: 1 W. 

Here's the thing though, for as much as I hated it while I was there, it's been a continual topic of conversation and frequent butt of jokes. Talking about that mobile lighthouse, the insanity of smoking their cigarettes, the ending that is literally spelled out for you on a whiteboard; it's made it completely worth it! And of course, it was the inspiration for our original movie, Otter Island. 

Final Rating: 6 Ws & a V

Please end it/me.

3. Finale of LOST

Another confession: nothing during the first 5 seasons of LOST ever made me want to watch this show. Still, I knew the basic storyline from everybody else I know talking about it all the time. I watched season 6 because everybody else was. And then I started season 1, because, well, I was watching season 6. By the time the 8 hour finale rolled around, I'd seen up through the mid-4th season. Does that disqualify me from complaining about how the finale ended? Maybe, but I don't care.

Here are two possible changes that would have left me feeling satisfied with the finale:

a. Cut the entire flash-sideways storyline out of season 6.

Why? LOST spent six years building up the importance of this island. It was about individual choice and free while and redemption and polar bears, but always as they affected, or were affected by, this island. Because the fate of the island was the fate of humanity. Or something. Then in the last 20 minutes of the finale we find out that's not really what the show is about. It's actually just about these people, or maybe just this one person, finding each other again and walking into the light. Walking into the light‽ Are you kidding me? You win, we've all been punk'd.

So, instead, cut the entire flash-sideways and we get a show about the island again. Good beats evil, the island is safe, Jack is dead, the series actually means something.

Or,
b. After Jack's flying death-punch, when you cut to commercial, don't come back from commercial. 

Why? Because anything could happen, the fight between Good & Evil isn't over yet! And we don't have to watch that amazingly bad last scene in the Church of a Couple of Religions.

But here's the real reason why I hated it. For the last 3 or 4 years the writers knew when this show was ending. They had all the time in the world to set up that ending exactly how they wanted it. And apparently they did, because they won't shut up about how they're so grateful they got to end the show on their terms and how proud they are of the conclusion. And so:

Rating: 0 Ws

6 years for this?

4. Treme

Treme. I don't even care enough to write anything about you. Read this instead, it's exactly how I feel.

Rating: 1 V, plus 2 Ws for your music = 2 Ws & a V

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Things I've Loved:

1. How to Train Your Dragon

DreamWorks! Your continuing commitment to Madagascar has really hurt your rep. Hopefully you're not surprised to be America's 2nd favorite animation studio after such hits as Bee Movie and Over The Hedge. But here's something to make you feel better: on the way out of How to Train Your Dragon we were pretty sure we had just seen a Pixar production, based solely on how much we had loved it. You're welcome. In conclusion, even if you have only half a heart, you'll want a dragon of your own by the end. It turns out I do indeed have at least ½ a heart.

Rating: 9 Ws & a V

Toothless! No!!

2. The Losers

Hi, Zoë. I saw you in this trailer and said, "she's doing everything I want to see her doing in this movie." Your ass-kicking, rocket-launching, & tequila-drinking brought me in; I stayed for the rip-roaring good time. The Losers was everything I'm hoping The A-Team will be, but probably won't. 

Rating: 9 Ws

Zoë! Yes!!

3. Quarantine

Two great things came out of this movie:

a. My first full-on scared yell since seeing Jurassic Park in the theaters in 6th grade. Not a jump, a gasp, or an "oh, shit!"; a full throated yell. It felt good.

b. Of all the possible apocalypses out there, I think I'd be most prepared for the zombie apocalypse. There may be some disagreement about the physical abilities of zombies, but here's the one essential piece of information we should all know by now: when faced with zombies or a zombie-like syndrome, you're going to need to SEVER THE HEAD. Don't shoot it in the heart, don't handcuff it to a chair, don't tie it down, just cut off its head. Also, avoid poaching eggs in the attic.

Rating: 9 Ws

Huaaaa!!!!!