3.02.2007

Jersey Devils



After reading this post at The Moderatilist I have a couple of comments that should be considered before said thesis is submitted to the U of P.

1. Either a great truth or a great falsity has been hit upon here. Either way, it is not a moderate observation. Of course I have not reached a state of Moderate enlightenment as others have and do not claim to be an interpreter of the tenets of The Moderatilist Movement, but it would seem that catechismatic claims of such import can be made only moderately often. It has been so noted.

2. If Wendy is indeed from the Dirty Jerz, your life is now in danger. Having gone through the extreme measures required to hide her origins, I would guess taking your life would be of little consequence to her already pint sized Jersey morals. I have learned this from Jon Bon Jovi, The Sopranos, and the City of Trenton.

3. If you are wrong and Wendy is not from NJ, your life is now in danger. In my experience her loathing of "The Garden" knows no bounds. I once took her there by accident and I'm pretty sure I owe my life to the fact that she was too distracted by the shiny hot pants of the Camden crack whore brigade to inflict bodily harm.

4. A point of order: I don't think that New Jersey actually issues birth certificates. I've done a bit of research on this (see Barnebey 1989, 1997, and 2002) and as far as I can tell the vast majority of native Jerseyans are actually spawned from the interior of the Pine Barrens. They then, still in a small poorly formed embryonic state, must make their way to a she-jerseyite willing to suckle them. Amazingly, even at this primitive stage in their development they are instinctively aware of the harsh realities that define America's Armpit. Knowing that there is no future for them in central Jersey they must either crawl north to the NYC suburbs or south to the Phila. suburbs, depending on the angle of the sun at the time of emergence, in order to survive. The few natives who do not exhibit signs of a Pine Barren provenance appear to have been formed through a process of asexual mitosis instigated by the close proximity of several nuclear waste depositories. Regardless, the state not only finds it impossible to satisfactorily document all of these "births" but has also faced stiff resistance from the religious right in it's efforts to recognize this unholy form of progenesis and does not issue birth certificates.

5. None of this applies to Secaucus. It is the Hansel surrounded by the Derek Zoolander of New Jersey. And it is so hot right now.

6. For the record, I know what the J stands for. Like the final piece of a puzzle, only with it does all become clear.

7. Newark, New Jersey is also the birth place of Cissy Houston, with whom I have an eternal grudge.

2 comments:

The Moderatilist said...

WB,

I appreciate your comments and value your insight. Being a true Philadelphia native and fellow N.J. shit talker, I consider you a wealth of information.

I must make it clear that my statement although harsh was made with the truest of Moderatilist intentions.

Moderatilism is all about balance. The fact that Ms. Skoczen has been living a lie for most of her life has been tipping the scales for quite some time. My comments were needed to bring this dreadful subject to the public's attention and once again level the scales.

I agree that my life is in danger, but nothing must stand in the way of Moderatilist ideals, especially a piece of Jersey trash.

Your discourse of New Jersey birth certificates is fascinating. I rather enjoyed how the angle of the sun dictates whether jerseyites will become Philly Skanks or NYC Wannabes. Keep up the good work!

However, the fact that you supposedly know what the "J" stands for is of little consequence. Keep in mind that Ms. Skoczen is a master of deception who deals in falsehoods and hoodwinking.

Wj said...

I appreciate your support Barnebey. David's life is indeed in danger as per number 3 on your list. It is sad that the Moderatilist has extended himself so far so early his blogging/philosophical career. He will inevitably alienate most followers so that all he is left with are the denizens of the Dirty Jerz, simply because they do not know any better.

Damn Straight you know what the 'J' stands for - and you can bet your sweet ass it isn't Jersey.

Further proof is on the Priscillaneous blog.