Jersey Devils

After reading this post at The Moderatilist I have a couple of comments that should be considered before said thesis is submitted to the U of P.

1. Either a great truth or a great falsity has been hit upon here. Either way, it is not a moderate observation. Of course I have not reached a state of Moderate enlightenment as others have and do not claim to be an interpreter of the tenets of The Moderatilist Movement, but it would seem that catechismatic claims of such import can be made only moderately often. It has been so noted.

2. If Wendy is indeed from the Dirty Jerz, your life is now in danger. Having gone through the extreme measures required to hide her origins, I would guess taking your life would be of little consequence to her already pint sized Jersey morals. I have learned this from Jon Bon Jovi, The Sopranos, and the City of Trenton.

3. If you are wrong and Wendy is not from NJ, your life is now in danger. In my experience her loathing of "The Garden" knows no bounds. I once took her there by accident and I'm pretty sure I owe my life to the fact that she was too distracted by the shiny hot pants of the Camden crack whore brigade to inflict bodily harm.

4. A point of order: I don't think that New Jersey actually issues birth certificates. I've done a bit of research on this (see Barnebey 1989, 1997, and 2002) and as far as I can tell the vast majority of native Jerseyans are actually spawned from the interior of the Pine Barrens. They then, still in a small poorly formed embryonic state, must make their way to a she-jerseyite willing to suckle them. Amazingly, even at this primitive stage in their development they are instinctively aware of the harsh realities that define America's Armpit. Knowing that there is no future for them in central Jersey they must either crawl north to the NYC suburbs or south to the Phila. suburbs, depending on the angle of the sun at the time of emergence, in order to survive. The few natives who do not exhibit signs of a Pine Barren provenance appear to have been formed through a process of asexual mitosis instigated by the close proximity of several nuclear waste depositories. Regardless, the state not only finds it impossible to satisfactorily document all of these "births" but has also faced stiff resistance from the religious right in it's efforts to recognize this unholy form of progenesis and does not issue birth certificates.

5. None of this applies to Secaucus. It is the Hansel surrounded by the Derek Zoolander of New Jersey. And it is so hot right now.

6. For the record, I know what the J stands for. Like the final piece of a puzzle, only with it does all become clear.

7. Newark, New Jersey is also the birth place of Cissy Houston, with whom I have an eternal grudge.