12.17.2007

A Karmactic Primer

Today I will be writing about my, and those around around me's, relationship with Karma. This isn't that Hindu or Buddist mumbo-jumbo, "let's all reincarnate as a snow leopard" karma; this is Karma with a Kapital K. And this shit will fuck you over for realzies. Accordingly, Karma is my least favorite cosmic force, right behind the Normal Force.

For all its perceived mystery, Karma is pretty simple; just think of it as one big checking account. The more you deposit, the more you've got to spend. Beware though: just like your account with Citi Bank, it does not accrue interest. Similarly, if you write a cheque your Karma can't cash you will be slapped with an outrageous over-draft fee. Something like the cell phone I lost Friday night. Also, sometimes you find out that your Karma has made a series of bad investments in subprime mortgages and as a result your car has been stolen by the City of Milwaukee. Barring these rare occurrences Karma is a game of Even-Steven, just like Jerry Seinfeld's life. Karma IN = Karma OUT. So, the next time a bus driver let's you on even though you don't have the full fare, or you make a new unexpected friend, or you have a really good slice of pizza, or you find that parking spot right where you wanted it to be, or everyone thinks you're the most attractive guy at the party, or you find a blow-up snowman in the spare bedroom, or your plan to hitchhike to Pizza Shuttle works; start doing some good deeds, because your account balance is plummeting. And Karma never stops doing the Bartman.

7 comments:

Alex said...

I'm going to go on a limb here, and say that all this probably topped St. Louis Mardi Gras and the "hotel bar/pool break-in" in Minneapolis in 2006.

wb said...

Unlike either of those situations, I don't think any laws were actually broken. We were dangerously good-looking though.

katie said...

I'm glad I didn't read your version before I did mine. I'm still trying my wings at this blogging thing. Anyways, good show. The only statement that begins to do the weekend justice is your "karma never stops doing the Bartman" statement. That is classic Tammy.

The Moderatilist said...

I voted for the one where Katie bites, but I would have voted for you in a solo shot.

tommy said...

#1-FYI: Karma costs about $165.00 USD.

#2: Worried about missing work Monday, I called to say I'd be in by noon. I show up at 11:55, turn on my computer, and then someone reminds me that our dept. holiday party is in 5 minutes, and lasts the rest of the day. So, we left and drank at the Dane. I'm still not sure if this upset, or relieved me.

#3: we were terribly good looking.

tommy said...

actually, hitchhiking's illegal in Wisconsin.

tommy said...
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